By Dr. Sharon Wolkin

   So, when Sue came to me and said that the rotation for the practitioner’s column had reached the alphabet, it happened to be the week before my vacation.  “I’ll write something while I’m away,” but she assured me that I had time and shouldn’t worry about it until I got back.

   So, I forgot about it of course.  As I drove home and real life began to creep back into my thought, I began to ponder what I should write about.  And the answer seemed obvious—the lady at the pool!

   You see, I enjoy a daily swim at the resort pool.  One day a woman with two little girls (about 6 and 3 years old) was at the pool.  I immediately noticed that although the girls were sitting next to her and talking to her, she was busy texting.

   I began my swim in the deep end as the girls played in the shallow end.  A  young life guard sat passively at the side of the pool.

  At one point, the mother started to walk towards the exit that happened to be at the deep end of the pool.  The younger girl ran after her.  “Mommy just has to order some food at this restaurant,” the woman said.  The little girl ran after her, crying that she wanted to go with her.

   “You can’t.  You’re all wet.  Just sit in the chair and wait for me,” mother said, pointing to a chair at the deep end of the pool.  She walked out, leaving her three-year-old at the deep end.

   Now, we of course, know how well little girls listen to their mothers.  The little girl promptly came over to the ladder at the deep end.  As she stood there and looked into the water, her slightly older sister in the shallow end called out to her not to go in.  She dropped her toy in the water and then ran to the shallow end when I said something to her.  The mother returned about five minutes later.

   After observing this appalling demonstration of parenting, a few thoughts came to me.  First, the primary responsibility of a parent is to provide a safe environment for their child, and this mother failed in her responsibility.  Secondly, a parent must have reasonable and realistic expectations.   WE all know that three year olds don’t necessarily do exactly as told, but, obviously, this mother did not.

   Dr. Carole Allen writes about a parent’s need to be flexible  with expectations.  I am reminded of a mother that came to a prenatal visit years ago, planning a trip to Jamaica three weeks after her due date.  We encouraged her to re-think her plans.  As it happened, the infant was diagnosed with Hirschsprung’s colitis at one week old, and was admitted to Children’s Hospital for  a colon resection  Lastly a few  years from now, this mother will surely be arriving at her pediatrician’s, questioning why her children don’t behave.

   So, what can we, as pediatricians, do to affect these situations.  Early Anticipatory Guidance relating to safety and parenting issues is a starting point.  Discussing developmental and behavioral issues from the beginning may establish your role as an advisor.  We all talk about car seats and sleeping supine, but the AAP also recommends questions such as “Are you enjoying being a parent?”, and “What do you enjoy about the baby or what annoys you about him?”

    We can recommend nightly reading to encourage bonding.  We can also emphasize to parents that discipline can create a feeling of safety in your children.   If they do not take the time to create discipline and boundaries with children, they will probably need to take more time with consequences later. 

Also, we need to explain that discipline does not mean simply punishing improper behaviors, but, more importantly, teaching proper behaviors.

   For those parents needing more detailed discipline advice, some resources include these books: “Help For Parents” by Lynn Clark, PhD; “Positive Discipline A – Z” by Jane Nelson, et al; and “Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking” by Jerry Wyckoff, PhD et al.